Who would I choose?

Well, I gotta write all this fleeting thought down, otherwise, I am gonna stuck in it forever and overthink again.

Okay, so last couples of days were Melb Cup, I spent most of the holiday with papa Trung and mama Tuyet. They are really good to me. I have always been asking myself: "What did I do so well that I got a chance to meet such nice people like papa and mama?" They are like my second family now. I feel more comfortable being with them and enjoy the accompany of L and anh D.

Aside from all the happy time we got with papa and mama, something popped up that really made me think. It's about anh D.

Few days ago, he texted with me and jokingly said that I am so cute and he treats me differently from other people, that I am like his younger sister, etc. But the way he talked and acted isnt like that. I guess he seems to have a bit of feeling for me, partly because I am naive, funny, humorous and inexperienced. He have experienced a lot in life and definitely has lots of tactics to test someone if they are a goodie or not. He definitely tested me by observing me and noticing small things. I know he is quite strict and meticulous, pays attention to details and the way the younger treats the elder, etc. If that was me in the past, I would fall for him cauz he met all the standards I put for my bf:
- someone who is mature, older than me, more experienced than me to take care of myself
- someone who is good at cooking.
- someone who can protect and care for me.
- someone who is neat and can do the housework.
- someone who doesnt drink alcohol.
- fatty is a bonus.
- someone who shows his care through action rather than words.
He got everything, but just that I dont feel safe being with him. He used to be the gangster, used to involve in some kind of naughty things, and he has a lot of secrets that he hasnt revealed himself. I have the feeling that the secrets he is trying to hide are not really good. He seems a bit dodgy and dishonest. Living with someone who tend to hide a lot from you and you are too naive, being under their control isnt just good. It reminds me of MTD. It is just the same.....
I want to live in my own way, without being put under the microscope of someone. I also dont want to live with someone who want to take control of my life and easily get jealous. I realize that I am not really suitable to that kind of traditional men.
He is kind of hot-tempered as well...Who knows what he would do when you do not obey him, he would beat you up or do what? I dont feel safe being with him....

Last night, I went back home and thought about this a lot. I asked myself if one day, there would be two people like IT and gangster approaching me. Who would I choose?

I brought that question to sleep. When waking up this morning, when I become calmer, the answer just popped up in my head: If that were me in that situation, I would choose IT over the gangster. Why?

- I wanna feel safe, being with someone that I can trust rather than keep worrying if one day they would reveal a secret that would shock me or anything. The experience with MTD has taught me that.
I just wanna live a normal, happy and peaceful life with the people I love. No need for drama...

- I wanna be with someone who I can learn new things and solve problems together. I dont wanna be with someone much more experienced than me and then guide me all the time. I want to explore things by myself and take the active role in managing my life.
People may think that if you have a bf/a husband that is mature and more experienced than you, it is really good because you can rely on him. He will give you good advices in life and you dont have to worry a lot. Yah, that is the common perception of people around me. They think that the husband is responsible for taking care of the wife all the time, that the wife should rely on the husband, etc. No, I dont think like that. I think that husband and wife have to rely on each other. No one can stay strong all the time. I expect a fair relationship which do not involve such disparity as such. That's why I realized my perception about love, about relationship have changed a bit since I came here: "Một mối quan hệ bình đẳng, yêu thương, tôn trọng và chăm sóc lẫn nhau".


I was talking with my love guru - Ha Phuong about IT the other night. I shared with her about my feelings after meeting IT last Sun, about my thoughts.

I realized that I become calmer, not that too much perky when being with IT. IT's sense of humour still get me laugh all the time. Half of me still feel like he is a good friend. Half of me feel soft and want to gently care about him. I know that I have been missing him during the past 4 months, that I am afraid of losing him again. I guess I value him more this time we met again. I also know when to step back to make this relationship happy. I know that I shouldnt be that childish forever in relationship. I have to be mature sometimes to not breaking this relationship. I figured out so many things during that 4 months...

Half of me still treating him as a friend, half of me starts treating him as a man.

Ha Phuong said that she totally agreed with what I have said. She said that is such a good thought, and that I have changed since the last time I met IT. She said that I had good thinking, which would form the foundation for a good relationship in the future. She said that I have become more ready to get into the relationship. She said what I just need to figure out now is how IT feels towards me....

That's a tricky question though....Based on the way IT reacts, it can be seen that he somehow treats me as a friend now, but yah still feel excited and attracted to me because of all the cool things and interesting stuff I would bring up everytime we meet. That's why he starts texting me daily again after several months of texting weekly or fortnightly. But taking that texting alone isnt a good proof that he would fall for me again, so I would rather go slowly this time, letting feelings gradually develop between us and see how it goes. The timing in relationship is also very important. I must think of it carefully.

I dont put too much pressure on him now, or set any expectation toward this relationship or plan anything too far away. I just go slowly and enjoy being with him. My friendship with Gin taught me that I cant plan anything ahead, and sometimes the first impression may not be correct. You may think that you get along well with someone but actually you are not that compatible. You may think that this person is not your type, but he/she then turns out to be your bestie. You may never know :)

In the end, what is love, though?