"Yêu Vinh Râu, cả nhà Trang ai cũng béo lên. Giờ trong nhà con gì cũng hình tròn hết"

Trong hầu hết các câu chuyện tình nam nữ chính để đến với nhau thường phải trải qua 7749 ải. Mệt mỏi lắm, đau khổ lắm. Người ta bảo, vậy mới là yêu. Phải rướm máu, phải chịu khó giằng co mới mong hạnh phúc. Nhưng thực sự thì sao? Thế nào là một tình yêu trọn vẹn. Để nói chắc sẽ chẳng bao giờ ta tìm được mẫu chung cho cái thứ gọi là tình yêu. Nhưng tôi có thể chắc chắn một điều: Gặp đúng người, bạn chẳng cần nghĩ ngợi.

Và câu chuyện của cặp đôi diễn viên hài Vinh Râu - ca sĩ Lương Minh Trang (cùng sinh năm 1994) cũng thế. "Yêu Vinh, cả nhà Trang ai cũng béo lên. Giờ mấy con chó, con mèo trong nhà mập đều đến độ không lăn nổi. Giờ trong nhà con gì cũng hình tròn hết." Trang tít mắt kể, cô không phủ nhận chuyện yêu anh chàng này, mình tăng lên vài kg. Cái eo người mẫu, cái dáng ca sĩ ngày nào bỗng chốc mất đi. Nhưng đáng gì đâu, giờ Trang đã tìm được người mà dù mập hay ốm. Trong mắt anh, cô vẫn đẹp.

1.

Ai thường xem hài Youtube chắc hẳn sẽ biết đến FAP TV và Vinh Râu, nhóm hài đầu tiên vừa đạt nút kim cương nhờ 10 triệu người theo dõi. Vinh Râu không điển trai, theo như vợ hiện tại của anh miêu tả thì "nhìn mặt dê, bặm trợn". Bởi thế cho nên lần đầu gặp nhau của cả hai khá nhạt nhoà khi Vinh ngồi trên Trang một ghế trong buổi casting của FAP TV.

Thời điểm đó Trang thất tình, Facebook phủ đầy những status buồn thảm. Mà không phải kiểu bâng quơ đâu, cô viết như nhật ký, đầy đủ và chi tiết tường tận lý do bị chia tay. Ai ngờ, Vinh cũng thất tình. "Vô inbox chứ ai dám comment lộ liễu, mấy nhỏ kia thấy sao." Vinh quay sang chọc vợ. Thế rồi một dòng tin nhắn an ủi được gửi đến cô vợ tương lai kia. Người ta có lòng thôi mình cũng xã giao tí cho vui, Trang rep lại một cách bâng quơ.

Ấy vậy mà mấy bữa sau, anh chàng này lại mò đến nữa...

"Ăn cơm chưa, chưa ăn thì coi cái này đi. Mắc công vừa coi cười phụt cơm ra ăn không được." Vinh gan lắm, clip demo của FAP TV chưa đăng đã dám gửi qua cho Trang coi. Báo hại Trang coi xong thích luôn, kiếm được cớ nói chuyện. Từ đó, những dòng tin nhắn giữa cả hai cứ nhiều lên theo cấp số nhân.

Được một thời gian, tình cảm giữa Vinh và Trang đi xa hơn mức tình bạn lúc nào cả hai không hay biết. Rồi cái lần đầu tiên hẹn hò cũng đến. Đó là một hôm ở Phố đi bộ Nguyễn Huệ, Trang tâm sự muốn dạo phố nên Vinh bâng quơ rủ đi chung.

Vinh đứng ngay góc ngã tư đợi, Trang cứ kiểu: "Anh đâu em không thấy?"

Cái Vinh quắc "Anh nè, anh nè"

"Dạ thôi con không đi chú ơi".

Như những gì Trang miêu tả, Vinh trông hệt ông xe ôm: mặc quần tà lỏn, mang dép kẹp của ba, rồi chạy chiếc Wave muốn rớt cả xên. Trang bật cười vì sự nhầm lẫn trớ trêu của mình. Nhưng chuyện vui đã dừng ở đó đâu, đến lúc cô phát hiện hai đứa bằng tuổi nhau mới thật sự là tấn hài kịch. "Tụi mình hỏi tuổi nhau, mình mới khai sinh năm 1994 tuổi Tuất, cái ổng cũng nhận tuổi Tuất. Cứ tưởng hơn nhau một con giáp vậy mà bảo cùng tuổi. Nhìn đi cái mặt vậy ai tin? Già cú đế nên không thể nào kêu bạn, cứ phải gọi anh em. Sau này cưới về thân quá mới chuyển sang gọi bạn với mình." - Trang kể.

2.

Đợt má Trang nhập viện, cô túc trực bên giường chăm. Sẵn đang nhắn tin, cô than với Vinh rằng đang thèm socola với sữa. Chẳng biết bằng cách nào, anh thù lù xuất hiện giữa trời mưa trút nước rồi đưa cả mấy món ăn vặt ấy cho cô.

"Mà sao anh biết em ở đâu để tới?"

"Má ơi má post hình mà quên tắt GPS, nó tự tag vô".

Những điều dễ thương đôi khi đến từ những mối lãng xẹt như thế đó. Từ giây phút ấy, Trang biết thắc mắc sao anh này quan tâm mình dữ vậy. Cái cảm giác thôi, anh này rất là lạ. Dù vậy, rào cản duy nhất mà cô cảm nhận được là ngoại hình. Vinh hoàn toàn trái ngược với những đối tượng Trang từng quen, đạo mạo cao ráo, anh không có. Nhưng để xét về khoản quan tâm và chăm sóc cô, anh làm không chê vào đâu được. Mà con gái, suy cho cùng chỉ cần thế thôi.

Nếu phải đánh giá nửa kia theo thang điểm 10, Trang sẽ hào phóng tặng cho Vinh 11 điểm. Bởi trong mắt cô, Vinh luôn là người đàn ông mà cô sẽ không bao giờ kiếm được lần nữa trong đời. Từ cái thời mới yêu nhau, Vinh đã luôn bận rộn với lịch quay từ 7-8g sáng của FAP TV. Nhưng đều đặn mỗi ngày từ 4-5g sáng, anh thức dậy chuẩn bị và mua đồ ăn sáng cho bạn gái. Rồi chạy từ Gò Vấp lên Quận 5, leo thang bộ lên tầng cao nhất của chung cư chỉ để đảm bảo Trang ăn đủ bữa. Đặc biệt là, hôm nào Trang bệnh, trong bịch đồ ăn sẽ mắc sẵn thuốc.

Ngộ ở một điểm là cả hai bằng tuổi rồi tính tình cũng giống nhau. Từ cái nết thật thà, tình cảm chung thuỷ đến chuyện chơi game hay coi phim gì cũng hợp tất. Nên để nói ra, cưới nhau về nhà như có thêm thằng bạn thân. Thậm chí có những điều trước đây mình không hề thích nhưng người đó thích, mình chơi chung một thời gian cũng bị lây lan theo.

Một lần, Vinh qua nhà Trang chơi rồi nghe loáng thoáng lỗ tai mẹ cô bảo thèm món gì đó. Hôm sau, anh mua dư tận 2 phần cho cả hai người ăn luôn. Vinh lo cho cả nhà Trang đến độ cô có thể tự hào "Yêu anh cả nhà không sợ chết đói". Từ con chó đến con mèo, con nào cũng mập lên, con nào cũng biến thành hình tròn cả rồi.

3.

Chẳng cần hứa hẹn những điều viển vông hay xa xôi, cặp đôi cứ bình yên chở che cho nhau trên chặng đường phía trước của tuổi trẻ. Bởi với họ, mỗi ngày được bên nhau luôn là một ngày tuyệt vời trong đời. Thế là, chuyện tình được viết tiếp chương mới, bằng một đám cưới sau 6 tháng hẹn hò.

Nhưng cuộc sống sau hôn nhân nào phải màu hồng. Sáu bảy tháng rồi, cả hai không đi ăn ngoài, không biết nhà hàng hay cái mall gì luôn. Vợ chồng cứ sáng đi làm tới tối về, có gì cũng order người ta giao tới. Ở FAP TV, Vinh "hơi bận" hơn so với những diễn viên khác. Ngoài việc chính mà ai ai cũng biết, anh còn ôm cả chuyện làm kịch bản, gặp khách hàng. Bữa nào không đi quay thì sẽ đi làm kịch bản, không làm kịch bản cũng phải đi ngoại giao, rồi xong thêm các job ngoài nữa.

Để cả hai được dành nhiều thời gian bên nhau hơn, Trang tạm gác sự nghiệp ca sĩ, thử sức vai trò mới: làm kịch bản trong cùng công ty. Nào ngờ đến lúc làm chung rồi mới phát hiện ra, Vinh đi quay ở ngoài, mình thì toàn trên văn phòng nên có muốn cũng chẳng thể gặp mặt.

Chọn yêu người nổi tiếng, lại còn bận rộn đến nỗi không dành được thời gian cho mình, liệu cả hai có bối rối hay cảm thấy chông chênh không khi những dự định chung - mua nhà, có con - nay phải tạm gác qua một bên?

Trang: Thật ra ai cũng muốn đẻ sớm hết. Bây giờ mình 25 tuổi rồi, tới năm 35 con mình 10 tuổi là đẹp. Nhưng mà bây giờ có con sớm quá thì sự nghiệp còn chưa đi tới đâu, chưa mua nhà này kia nữa thì thêm khổ thôi.

Vinh: Thời điểm tốt nhất để có con, anh nghĩ là 2 3 năm nữa. Bây giờ đang thời điểm chín mùi cho sự nghiệp, giờ đẻ cũng được nhưng sẽ bị khựng lại. Tiền mình có chỉ vừa đủ, có thể dư nhưng nếu có con sẽ phải dùng hết.

Năm vừa qua là một năm vừa gian nan nhưng đồng thời là điểm "hái quả ngọt" của Vinh Râu khi nhóm FAP TV đạt thành tựu lớn với chiếc nút kim cương. Anh bảo anh không thể dừng lại, anh tiếc vì không thể dành nhiều thời gian nhiều thêm cho vợ, rồi cũng lặng mất vài nhịp bởi đây là điều duy nhất anh có thể làm: cố gắng vì tương lai của cả hai.

Sau cùng anh thỏ thẻ với tôi: "Mấy tháng nữa Trang quay trở lại với sản phẩm mới, anh có xin đạo diễn cho ngồi sau máy hỗ trợ. Bả toàn lùi về sau vì anh, chắc đây là lúc anh phải lùi về sau vì bả".

Buổi phỏng vấn khép lại, cả hai vẫn đang giành bánh với nhau (mà thật ra anh Vinh ăn hết bánh với uống nước của chị Trang). Có nhiều chuyện anh chị kể tôi nghe, nhưng vì bựa quá nên xin phép hông ghi vô, sợ người ta "quánh giá". Nhưng mà yêu như Vinh với Trang vui lắm, hạnh phúc lắm. Ai còn chưa yêu thì yêu lẹ lẹ chứ đừng sợ làm gì, lỗ lắm.

http://kenh14.vn/yeu-vinh-rau-ca-nha-trang-ai-cung-beo-len-gio-trong-nha-con-gi-cung-hinh-tron-het-20191029221536691.chn

Learn to Recognize Your Negative Thinking Traps

All of us have a near-constant stream of thoughts running through our minds. Much of the time, these thoughts are neutral, and sometimes they’re even pleasant.

The thoughts we’ll be dealing with in this post are what psychologists call Automatic Negative Thoughts (ANTs), and they can lead to negative thinking traps. These are thoughts that don’t serve you well. They’re either blatantly untrue or, at the very least, not helpful.

Negative thoughts themselves aren’t the problem—it’s the power we give them. You can choose to believe your negative thoughts, treating them as unassailable facts and proceeding through life trapped in their iron grip. Or you can choose to perceive a negative thought the same way you view the millions of fleeting sensations, snap judgments, and other cognitions that zip through your mind every day. They’re information, sure, but they’re not absolute truth.

To help you recognize and deconstruct your negative thoughts, let’s learn about the different flavors these thinking traps come in. We’ll focus on the story of Sasha, a 40-year-old woman who dreams of going back to school to earn her bachelor’s degree but just can’t shake her nagging doubts.

Thinking Trap #1: Making Assumptions

“If I go back to school, all the 18-year-olds in my classes will judge me and pity me for being there. Plus, I haven’t been in school for decades. I’m so out of practice that I’ll fail all my classes.” 

When Sasha thinks about college, she immediately jumps to conclusions. She can see into the future, and it’s not pretty. But what evidence does she really have to believe this unfortunate vision of her collegiate career? When you make assumptions, you’re usually filling the void of the unknown by imagining an undesirable outcome. In reality, a number of good things are also possible.

Thinking Trap #2: “Shoulding”

“A person my age should be making twice as much money as I am now. I need to get my act together.”

Sasha’s stress about her education level sometimes bubbles up into thoughts about where she “should” be in life, or what she “needs” or “ought” to do. This type of thinking might almost sound positive: Hey, she’s motivating herself to pursue a goal, right? But what she’s really doing here is setting inflexible standards for herself that she’s already failed to meet. Her “shoulding” isn’t rooted in self-compassion or her own values; the goalpost is arbitrary.

When Sasha really thinks about what matters to her, her salary is nowhere near the top of the list. She wants an education to better herself and pursue a more meaningful career. Her “shoulds” come from internalizing others’ expectations and comparing herself to her neighbor down the street, and listening to those thoughts has only convinced her she’ll never measure up.

Thinking Trap #3: Black-and-White/All-or-Nothing Thinking

“If I don’t graduate with honors at the end of all this, it won’t have been worth the struggle. I’ll be a failure.”

Here, Sasha has decided that she’s either an A+ or an F. There is no in-between. This kind of perfectionism sets her up to view herself as a failure no matter what.

But the truth is, there’s a lot of beauty between these two poles, where she’ll most likely end up: the concepts she’ll conquer, the skills she’ll gain, the pride she’ll feel knowing she went for her goal. She will make mistakes, but they won’t reduce her to a zero. Learning to appreciate her accomplishments without letting her false steps overshadow them will allow her to keep moving forward.

Thinking Trap #4: Catastrophizing

“If I enroll in college full-time, I’m just going to flunk out my first semester, and I won’t be able to come back to this job. Then I’ll run out of money. I’ll have to move in with my mother, and I’ll be so ashamed I’ll just want to lay down and die.”

Sasha’s worrying mind has leaped from merely making assumptions to imagining the worst-case scenario, a failure so devastating she could never recover. “Catastrophizing,” also known as a probability error, is when you overestimate the likelihood that something terrible will happen.

Our minds are also prone to severity errors—we assume that if the worst happened, we wouldn’t be able to cope. The chances that bright and driven Sasha will fail out of school, fail to find work, and wind up back at home are so minuscule as to be laughable. But when she buys into what her mind is telling her, she sometimes loses sight of reality.

Thinking Trap #5: Feelings vs. Facts

“Whenever I even think about walking into a college classroom, I feel embarrassed, stupid, and panicked. That just goes to show this is a bad idea, and I could never hack it.”

It’s all too easy for Sasha to let her feelings write the story of what her college experience would be like. If she feels stupid, that must mean she is stupid. But feelings aren’t facts.

If you want to prove it to yourself, think about the last time you dealt with a week of rainy weather. After a day or two, you probably felt a little glum, and maybe your inner monologue started to sound like it was written by Eeyore, the sad-sack donkey from Winnie the Pooh: “Oh, why bother? Nothing ever goes right for me.” But nothing about your life had actually changed. You were just buying into your feelings, which can shift with your hormones, your diet, and even the weather.

Our feelings love to spin narratives about whether we’ll succeed and whether others like us. But often, these stories are wildly off the mark.

Now that you know some of the key types of automatic negative thoughts, see if you can recognize them in your own thinking. You might want to start by keeping a record of your thoughts in a thought diary—you can read about the details of how to start one here. 

Excerpted from The Self-Confidence Workbook: A Guide to Overcoming Self-Doubt and Improving Self-Esteem. Copyright © 2018 by Barbara Markway and Celia Ampel.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shyness-is-nice/201909/learn-recognize-your-negative-thinking-traps?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost&fbclid=IwAR1YMo_kuC89i_nVxaUUVGcb6dm92P3bcrltCobiT74asmujEKriWP9u_dE

How to Keep a Thought Diary to Combat Anxiety

Try this easy way to manage stress and anxiety.

Each of us has a stream of automatic thoughts running through our minds. These thoughts are often undetectable, yet powerful nonetheless. It's like having background music playing while you work. Most of the time you don't even notice it’s on--you simply go about what you're doing. But have you ever felt that different music affects your mood or even your energy level? Perhaps also your ability to concentrate? The automatic self-talk playing in your mind can affect all of these things, and much more.

To work with our thoughts and make them more adaptive and realistic, we first need to know what they are. We can't allow our self-talk to remain background music, affecting us without knowing it.

One of the most useful things you can do to combat stress and anxiety is to keep a running record of your thoughts on paper. There's simply no better way to learn about your thought processes than to write them down.

Use any type of notebook you like and make these headings at the top: 1) Situation; 2) Thoughts/What am I telling myself? 3) How anxious do I feel? Leave space to jot down a few words about the situation and perhaps the date so you can easily monitor your progress. Most importantly, write down any thought you're having either in anticipation of or during a situation that causes anxiety. In other words, what are you telling yourself? How do you feel about it? You can use a number in the third column to represent how you feel (using a 1 – 10 scale) or write a few words as a description.

Most people aren't accustomed to keeping a thought diary and may encounter the following obstacles:

1. "I don't have any thoughts. I'm just anxious!" Many people feel their anxiety comes from "out of the blue," and they have difficulty identifying specific trigger thoughts. Joe, a college student I worked with, told me about a situation that happened where he encountered this problem. He needed to do some research for one of his classes. As he walked through the library doors, he immediately felt an overwhelming sense of dread. His heart raced, he perspired profusely, and he became so dizzy he thought he might faint. But because he wasn't paying attention to his thoughts, he hadn't a clue as to what was going on. "It happened so fast," he said. "I wasn't thinking about anything. I just needed to check out a book for a paper I’m writing."

And studying the situation more closely, Joe remembered he'd seen a group of students from the same class walking up the library steps ahead of him. "Come to think of it, it crossed my mind that I should speak to them, but I looked down, pretending not to notice them," he said. As we talked about the incident, Joe recalled several thoughts that had flashed through his mind:

• They have friends; I don't.
• If I said "hi" they probably wouldn't know who I was.
• I hope I can avoid them in the library.
• No one ever asks me to study with them.
• I do everything alone. I'm such a freak.

Joe was amazed that he could have all these thoughts running through his mind without him noticing it. Once he did, he could see why you felt so anxious. He picked up right away how one negative thought led to another more devastating than the first, and how this made him feel even worse.

When you run up against situations like Joe did—you know you're anxious but you don't know why—you'll need to investigate. Review what you were doing prior to feeling anxious. Did you see anyone in particular? Did you talk to anyone? What was going on around you? Try to remember precisely when your mood changed. Joe recalled he’d been in a good mood before entering the library. He was eager to check out the books he needed so we could finish his paper. He enjoyed this particular class, and it wasn't an effort for him to write. He hadn’t felt at all anxious until he saw those other students, which then triggered an onslaught of unrealistic, negative thoughts.

Even if you don't know exactly what you're thinking at the time, develop the habit of writing anyways. Write down, "I don't know for sure what I'm thinking … I wonder if it has something to do with _________." Generate several possibilities; don't commit yourself to one. Oftentimes, simply going through the process of writing in your thought diary helps you ferret out important insights. It certainly takes practice and patience, and if you persist, you'll become adept at noticing your thoughts and seeing the connections to your anxiety.

2. "I don't have time to write down my thoughts." It's true, it can be a chore in the beginning to keep a detailed thought record. But keep in mind, you don't need to write down all your thoughts. That would be impractical, if not impossible. Pick times when you feel at least moderately anxious, perhaps when physical symptoms mount, as well. For example, Joe's experience in the library was a good one to journal. His anxiety came on quickly and mysteriously, along with a good dose of physical distress. Try to write down your thoughts while you're still in the situation, but sometimes that's not feasible. Do so as soon as you can, though, while the thoughts are still fresh in your mind.

Also remember, you won't need to write down your thoughts forever—even doing it for a week or two will yield plenty of good information. After you've gotten some practice with monitoring and challenging your thoughts, the process will become more natural and you won't have to physically do it all the time. You’ll develop mental shortcuts that will prove effective, as well. But don't rush the learning process. Most people need to write out their thoughts—think them through on paper—in order to systematically make changes in their outlook on life.

3. "My thoughts sound stupid when I see them written out in black and white." Some people find that when they write down their thoughts, there's surprised at how foolish they sound. Even if you don't plan on showing what you've written to another living soul, you may still feel embarrassed.

This reaction is not all bad. It means you're gaining perspective through the sheer act of putting pen to paper. Thoughts sounding perfectly logical in your head now look irrational on paper. What's more, writing your thoughts down is one of the most direct routes for bringing unrealistic thoughts into consciousness. Only when you're fully conscious of your thoughts do you gain the power to change them.

You might also like these related posts: Stop Fighting Your Negative Thoughts; Must-Have Coping Strategies for Social Anxiety; and 3 Ways to Deal with In-the-Moment Anxiety.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/shyness-is-nice/201404/how-keep-thought-diary-combat-anxiety

The Best Way for a Couple to Build Intimacy

Effective communication for enhancing closeness.

Shortly after they started dating, Brenda and Bradley had a heart-to-heart discussion that went late into the night. Brenda revealed several private memories from her earlier life. And emboldened by her openness, Bradley found the courage to share with her a memory he’d never told anyone else.

In high school, Bradley had suffered terribly at the hands of bullies. Those painful experiences had left psychological scars—a general lack of trust of other’s intentions and a reluctance to open up to others. But that night in Brenda’s company, he felt safe to reveal this hidden aspect of his life.

More importantly, Brenda listened with compassion and empathy. This was a new experience for Bradley, and he felt a profundity of emotion that he’d rarely known before. Something clicked between Brenda and Bradley that night, and soon their dating relationship transitioned into one that was long-term, committed, and highly sexual.

A year passed, and the two were now comfortable and secure in their relationship. One night at a party, Brenda told a series of amusing stories that made Bradley the butt of the joke. He put on a festive face and laughed with the others, but inside he was hurting terribly. All those painful memories of being bullied in high school came rushing back. But this time, Brenda and her friends were the bullies.

The next day, Bradley decided to let Brenda know how he’d felt about the previous night. Brenda was always such a sympathetic soul, and surely she’d understand how she’d hurt him and promise never to do it again. But that’s not what happened.

Instead, Brenda got defensive. She wasn’t making fun of him, she insisted. She was just relating the foibles of any relationship. Nobody thought she was putting him down. And besides, why did he have to be so sensitive about it? They were just having a good time, after all. The exchange ended with a contest to see who could slam their door the loudest.

A longstanding finding in the literature on relationship science is that intimacy is built through self-disclosures. After all, you have plenty of friends and workmates that you interact with on a fairly superficial level. You know each other well enough to get along, but you don’t reveal anything too personal about yourself. In fact, making inappropriate personal disclosures is a sure sign of psychological maladjustment.

But we need to have intimate relationships as well, in which we feel safe to confide our private thoughts, feelings, and memories that we would tell no one else. Furthermore, research is unequivocal that intimate relationships are essential for good physical and psychological health. At the same time, they’re the most difficult of all relationships to navigate successfully.

So if it’s true that self-disclosures lead to greater intimacy, what went wrong in Brenda and Bradley’s case? Bradley made a self-disclosure, expecting it to increase their intimacy. Instead, it sent a rift through the relationship, and it cost Bradley plenty of effort to make amends.

Eventually, Brenda forgave him, and the relationship went more or less back to normal. But still, Bradley wondered—what did he need to be forgiven for?

It’s this very common conundrum in intimate relationships that psychologists Chandra Khalifian and Robin Barry explored in a recent article in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. The researchers investigated the dynamics of interpersonal relationships using two well-established theories in relationship science.

The first theory is the interpersonal process model, which proposes that intimacy between two persons grows as they reveal private thoughts, feelings, and memories to their partner, who responds with acceptance and empathy. When our partners are sympathetic towards our personal disclosures, we feel reinforced and are encouraged to reveal more on other occasions. However, when our partners reject our personal disclosures, we feel punished and are discouraged from opening up to them in the future.

The second theory is attachment theory. Originally conceived as an explanation for the deep emotional bond that develops between an infant and its caregiver, the theory has since been extended to adult intimate relationships as well. In early childhood, we use our caregiver as a secure base from which to explore the world. In adulthood, we seek out a significant other who can also serve as a secure base for us.

As long as that caregiver or significant other provides us with a secure base, we feel confident in interacting with the world. However, when that person doesn’t give us the support we need, our "attachment system" is activated. In particular, behaviors such as defensiveness may be triggered, in which case we distance ourselves from the significant other and essentially shut down the intimate relationship.

While the interpersonal process model proposes that intimacy grows as partners make personal disclosures to each other, Khalifian and Barry believe that the theory needs to be refined. Specifically, they propose that personal disclosures not involving the partner will tend to be validated, and as a result, intimacy will grow.

In contrast, they contend that personal disclosures involving the partner will likely trigger that person’s attachment behaviors, leading to defensiveness and lack of validation. As a result, the intimacy between the two will be impaired.

To test this hypothesis, the researchers invited 82 heterosexual cohabiting couples to come to their lab for a heart-to-heart conversation. Specifically, each person would have the opportunity to reveal to their partner a personal disclosure that either did or did not involve the partner.

Couples were randomly assigned to one of the two conditions, and to help them prepare, each was given ten minutes to write about the topic they wanted to discuss with their partner.

Afterward, each member of the couple was asked to rate the degree to which they felt their partner was reinforcing or punishing in their response to the disclosure. As expected, when the personal disclosure didn't include the partner, the response was perceived as being sympathetic and reinforcing. In contrast, when the personal disclosure did include the partner, the response was perceived as unsympathetic and punishing.

Khalifian and Barry suggest that this finding has important implications for the psychological clinic. When couples seek counseling, it’s generally because they’re having trouble maintaining intimacy in their relationships. The clinical session then involves each person airing grievances about the other, and it’s the counselor’s role to help mitigate the effects of reactionary attachment behaviors. After all, partners do become defensive when sensitive issues are laid on the table.

However, the researchers also make the following warning to couples: Don’t try this at home. By this, they mean that grievances can be safely aired in the clinic under the careful moderation of skilled counselors. Nevertheless, making personal disclosures that involve the partner, especially in a negative light, are more likely to result in defensiveness than a clearing of the air.

Furthermore, when one partner becomes defensive, the other tends to do so as well, leading to a vicious cycle. Doors are slammed, and the pathway to further intimacy is closed, perhaps permanently.

At the same time, this doesn’t mean we should avoid discussing uncomfortable topics with our partner altogether. In particular, if they have hurt us deeply, they need to know so they won’t do it again. If the relationship is built on relatively solid ground, the issue can be handled effectively if the aggrieved partner approaches it with the right mindset.

Bradley naively assumed that because Brenda had responded sympathetically to his revelation of bullying experiences in high school, she would do the same when he let her know he felt she was bullying him at the party. However, the research of Khalifian and Barry shows us that only personal disclosures that don’t involve the partner are likely to lead to intimacy. Instead, Bradley has to have a different set of expectations in mind when he broaches the subject with Brenda.

Although it’s healthy to just let go of the petty annoyances that plague any relationship, it’s also important to be forthright when your partner has hurt you in a significant way. Still, the way in which you disclose this concern can have a significant impact on the outcome of the discussion.

First, Bradley has to understand that Brenda, like himself, has painful memories from her past that have left scars to the present day. And so Brenda, like himself, can be expected to react defensively when she feels under attack.

Bradley does need to let Brenda know how he feels about the way she treated him at the party so that there won’t be a repeat performance. At the same time, he needs to be mentally prepared for Brenda’s initial response.

Bradley expected Brenda to be receptive to his disclosure, and her defensiveness caught him by surprise. In response, he became defensive as well, and as a result, communication was effectively shut down.

Instead, Bradley should have approached Brenda with the full expectation that she would become defensive. Having said what he had to say, he should then allow Brenda to make her defensive rebuttal. After that, he should drop the issue and shift the conversation toward a lighter topic that will help the couple repair intimacy.

Just because your partner responds defensively, that doesn’t mean they didn’t hear you. In fact, it’s quite likely that Brenda will mull over Bradley’s complaint for several days. Depending on her personality, she might later apologize, or else she might just be more careful not to hurt Bradley’s feelings again in the future.

By making the elegant judo-move of sidestepping Brenda’s defensiveness, Bradley then effectively communicates a grievance in the relationship without allowing the issue to fester into a petty tit-for-tat.  

Facebook image: Pressmaster/Shutterstock

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References

Khalifian, C. E. & Barry, R. A. (2019). Expanding intimacy theory: Vulnerable disclosures and partner responding. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships. Advance online publication. DOI: 10.1177/0265407519853047.