Sinh năm 1992, Bùi Thị Thơm sinh ra trong một gia đình làm nông thuần tuý và buôn bán nhỏ tại Móng Cái - Quảng Ninh. Tuổi thơ khó khăn vất vả của gia đình đông con (6 anh chị em), ba mẹ Thơm luôn tâm niệm cho con học hành tử tế để đỡ khổ. Tuy thế, Thơm lại đi đường khác hẳn vì thương ba mẹ. Cô kể: 'Thời đó, khu nhà em nuôi con đến Đại học là một điều khó khăn, tưởng chừng không thể. Em phải chọn hướng đi cho cuộc đời mình từ khi em mới học xong lớp 8. Bởi lẽ, nhìn ba mẹ vất vả, mỗi đầu năm học hay cãi nhau vì vấn đề đóng tiền học phí cho các chị và em. Vì cuộc sống quá khó khăn, em nhìn thương lắm nên nghĩ học sớm đi làm mọi việc để có thể giúp được ba mẹ tiền đóng học cho các chị'.
Cô gái Việt 17 tuổi lấy chồng Hàn bấm nút 'khởi hành lại' khi tay trắng rời đi sau 7 năm hôn nhân, 'tài sản' là 2 lần tự tử hụt 0
Và rồi, chỉ vì cuộc sống quá vất vả, chuyện đời nhọc nhằn đầy cạm bẫy khiến cô gái 17 tuổi Bùi Thị Thơm quyết định đi lấy chồng Hàn Quốc. Năm 2010, cuộc sống của cô đã rẽ sang một ngã rẽ định mệnh nơi đất khách quê người.
Thơm kể lại những ngày tháng lấy chồng xứ người như thế này: 'Em sang Hàn Quốc khi trong người không có gì, chuẩn bị về hành trang cuộc sống nơi xứ người càng không. Bản thân không có một chút tiếng Hàn. Em quá cô đơn trong chính gia đình chồng. Sự khác biệt về văn hoá, suy nghĩ, trình độ… Nhưng có lẽ vấn đề lớn nhất là sự khác biệt về tuổi tác chênh lệch của hai vợ chồng. Một thời gian dài em sống trong bế tắc, mệt mỏi, cô đơn, chán nản, cùng cực… Đã có lúc em muốn buông xuôi, nhưng nghĩ đến con nghĩ đến sự đánh đổi tuổi thanh xuân của mình, em đã cố gắng vượt qua mọi vất vả. Nhưng thực sự khi vợ chồng hết duyên rồi có cố cũng khó'.
Thơm đành chia tay cuộc hôn nhân không hạnh phúc trong cô đơn và buồn tủi, bởi chính cô cũng chưa ngộ ra được đây là sự giải thoát hợp lí. Lấy chồng ngoại quốc đến 7 năm chia tay và tay trắng ra khỏi nhà. Không người thân bên cạnh, không bạn bè, không có lấy một khoản tiền dắt thân. Thơm ra đi với lòng đầy đau khổ, cô tự hành hạ mình trong rượu bia, trầm cảm… Và khi lúc này Thơm lựa chọn tự vẫn khi cảm thấy thực sự quá cạn kiệt sức lực và cuộc sống bế tắc.
Cô gái Việt 17 tuổi lấy chồng Hàn bấm nút 'khởi hành lại' khi tay trắng rời đi sau 7 năm hôn nhân, 'tài sản' là 2 lần tự tử hụt 1
Cô dâu bé nhỏ xứ Hàn kể về những đớn đau quá khứ, khi đã bình tâm hơn, nhẹ nhàng với những gì đã trải qua, như một cơn mưa thấm đẫm tuổi thanh xuân trong khó nhọc. Thơm nói: 'Khi em leo lên cầu để kết thúc cuộc sống này, nhưng rất may em được người khác cứu. Chuyện của em dài lắm nếu có viết nữa viết mãi sẽ không ai hiểu được nỗi đau em đã trải qua. Em vực mình dậy và bắt đầu lên kế hoạch và chiến lược cho cuộc đời mình'.
Sau khi 2 lần tự tử không thành Thơm tin số mình chưa dừng ở đây nên cô quyết định mạnh mẽ lên và làm lại từ đầu. Thơm tìm hiểu, học hỏi không ngừng và bắt đầu với việc làm đẹp, mỹ phẩm. Hiện Tại Thơm đã tự đứng vững trên đôi chân của mình.
Cô gái Việt 17 tuổi lấy chồng Hàn bấm nút 'khởi hành lại' khi tay trắng rời đi sau 7 năm hôn nhân, 'tài sản' là 2 lần tự tử hụt 2
Khi cuộc sống đã ổn, cô dâu Hàn năm 17 tuổi và đã trải qua đủ mọi cay đắng tủi hờn để tự lập bắt đầu nghĩ về những người phụ nữ như Thơm.
Là người đã từng trải qua những đau khổ và loay hoay trong sự khốn khó của tuổi trẻ với một gia đình và sự khác biệt văn hóa và khát vọng đổi đời. Gánh nặng của việc báo hiếu, gia đình nghèo khó đã khiến nhiều cô dâu loay hoay khi lấy chồng nước ngoài không vì tình yêu mà chỉ vì khát vọng tiền bạc. Vì thế Thơm muốn được chia sẻ nhiều hơn về kĩ năng sống và kinh nghiệm để giúp các cô gái làm dâu xứ người có được cuộc sống tốt hơn.
Cô gái Việt 17 tuổi lấy chồng Hàn bấm nút 'khởi hành lại' khi tay trắng rời đi sau 7 năm hôn nhân, 'tài sản' là 2 lần tự tử hụt 3
'Em chỉ muốn mình là nguồn cảm hứng hay một phần nhỏ của em thôi khiến họ có thêm động lực và cảm thấy sự hy sinh của mình với gia đình hay vì chồng vì con chúng ta sẽ được đền đáp xứng đáng. Nói cách khác đó là chị em sẽ tự cảm nhận thấy mình thật sự có một cuộc sống ý nghĩa và trọn vẹn với những nỗ lực. Cuộc đời chỉ có một lần để sống em muốn em hay tất cả ai đi chăng nữa, hãy sống một cuộc sống thật sự ý nghĩa', Thơm nói.
Hiện tại Thơm được biết đến là một cô gái nghị lực và truyền cảm hứng để vượt qua đổ vỡ và đứng vững, tìm lại hạnh phúc cho chính mình.
Cô gái Việt 17 tuổi lấy chồng Hàn bấm nút 'khởi hành lại' khi tay trắng rời đi sau 7 năm hôn nhân, 'tài sản' là 2 lần tự tử hụt 4
Thơm hiện đang sống hạnh phúc bên cô con gái nhỏ
Thơm hiện đang sống hạnh phúc bên cô con gái nhỏ
Và Thơm vẫn mong muốn giúp một phần nhỏ thôi cho những cô dâu Việt Nam tại Hàn Quốc bằng tinh thần, bằng công việc để giúp họ tự tin và sống hạnh phúc hơn.
Theo Gia Linh/Trí thức trẻ (Ttvn.vn)
http://tiin.vn/chuyen-muc/yeu/co-gai-viet-17-tuoi-lay-chong-han-bam-nut-khoi-hanh-lai-khi-tay-trang-roi-di-sau-7-nam-hon-nhan-tai-san-la-2-lan-tu-tu-hut-1.html
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Chủ Nhật, 17 tháng 2, 2019
17.02.2019 Quyết định vài thứ
1. Với má
Với một người có bệnh như má, đừng expect má làm cái này làm cái kia.
Mình phải là người ko thay đổi sự quan tâm đối với má, tạo niềm vui cho má, thì má mới suy nghĩ rằng mình ko thay đổi. Má mới đỡ bị những cơn trầm cảm.
2. Với Long.
Tính cách của Long: Người ta đối xử với mình sao, thì mình đối xử với người ta như vậy. Là chiếc gương phản chiếu hành động của người khác.
Rất phân minh rõ ràng trong mọi chuyện.
Và đã tính trước trong đầu luôn là nếu có gì phát sinh tình cảm, thì sẽ xử lý thế nào rồi.
Bây giờ Long đang có cảm giác lại với T, nên giờ mình sẽ chứng kiến những cảnh này hàng ngày. Ko thể vì thế mà buồn, mà đau lòng, mà bi lụy được.
Thứ duy nhất mình có thể điều khiển, chính là thái độ của mình.
L bảo 1 câu: Nếu sau này thậm chí kể cả có vợ, nhưng nếu người vợ đó có ý kiến gì về sự quan tâm này. Thì chính L sẽ là người chỉnh cái suy nghĩ đó của vợ, hoặc biến mối quan hệ thành tiêu cực với vợ. Chứ ko phải với mình.
Nên nhớ rằng: Có xa cách hay ko, có còn được như người khác hay ko, đều là từ phía của người đối diện đối xử với Long thế nào.
Và nếu mình ko thay đổi, thì Long sẽ thay đổi, và đến lúc đó, mối quan hệ kết thúc, thì đừng trách tại sao.
L ko làm những việc ko có kết quả. 2 năm rồi. Ko được gì cả. L cảm thấy nản, muốn bỏ.
Vậy mình làm gì bây giờ?
**Sang nhà má: bằng mọi giá, phải tươi vui, nói chuyện nhiều. Bằng mọi giá, ko bao giờ được cho người ta thấy mình buồn nữa. Giữ sức khỏe tinh thần cho má.
**Gặp Long nói chuyện với T thì sao?
Chưa có gì thì mình vẫn còn làm được.
Giu vững suy nghĩ.
TẤN CÔNG !
Nếu thắng, vượt lên được chính mình.
Nếu thua, một bài học - mình đang chờ xem mình sẽ học được bài gì.
**Quản lý cảm xúc và suy nghĩ:
Tiếp tục tham gia khóa trị liệu với BetterHelp và quản lý những nỗi lo của bản thân.
Suy nghĩ để ra cách
Chứ suy nghĩ lo bò trắng răng, thì ko suy nghĩ.
>>>>Tập thiền, tập chạy bộ mỗi ngày.
>>>>Vẫn có một sự quan tâm đặc biệt với L, nhưng sẽ phải independent hơn trong tất cả mọi thứ.
>>>>Mở miệng ra và nói chuyện với bất kỳ ai gặp được. Bắt buộc phải mở miệng ko được im nữa.
Talk to at least 5 people/day in 1 minute.
>>>>Giu vững ý kiến và lập trường của bản thân.
>>>>Nếu bị vấn đề, ko được sợ, phải nói từng chữ một ra, nhắm mắt mà nói.
Với một người có bệnh như má, đừng expect má làm cái này làm cái kia.
Mình phải là người ko thay đổi sự quan tâm đối với má, tạo niềm vui cho má, thì má mới suy nghĩ rằng mình ko thay đổi. Má mới đỡ bị những cơn trầm cảm.
2. Với Long.
Tính cách của Long: Người ta đối xử với mình sao, thì mình đối xử với người ta như vậy. Là chiếc gương phản chiếu hành động của người khác.
Rất phân minh rõ ràng trong mọi chuyện.
Và đã tính trước trong đầu luôn là nếu có gì phát sinh tình cảm, thì sẽ xử lý thế nào rồi.
Bây giờ Long đang có cảm giác lại với T, nên giờ mình sẽ chứng kiến những cảnh này hàng ngày. Ko thể vì thế mà buồn, mà đau lòng, mà bi lụy được.
Thứ duy nhất mình có thể điều khiển, chính là thái độ của mình.
L bảo 1 câu: Nếu sau này thậm chí kể cả có vợ, nhưng nếu người vợ đó có ý kiến gì về sự quan tâm này. Thì chính L sẽ là người chỉnh cái suy nghĩ đó của vợ, hoặc biến mối quan hệ thành tiêu cực với vợ. Chứ ko phải với mình.
Nên nhớ rằng: Có xa cách hay ko, có còn được như người khác hay ko, đều là từ phía của người đối diện đối xử với Long thế nào.
Và nếu mình ko thay đổi, thì Long sẽ thay đổi, và đến lúc đó, mối quan hệ kết thúc, thì đừng trách tại sao.
L ko làm những việc ko có kết quả. 2 năm rồi. Ko được gì cả. L cảm thấy nản, muốn bỏ.
Vậy mình làm gì bây giờ?
**Sang nhà má: bằng mọi giá, phải tươi vui, nói chuyện nhiều. Bằng mọi giá, ko bao giờ được cho người ta thấy mình buồn nữa. Giữ sức khỏe tinh thần cho má.
**Gặp Long nói chuyện với T thì sao?
Chưa có gì thì mình vẫn còn làm được.
Giu vững suy nghĩ.
TẤN CÔNG !
Nếu thắng, vượt lên được chính mình.
Nếu thua, một bài học - mình đang chờ xem mình sẽ học được bài gì.
**Quản lý cảm xúc và suy nghĩ:
Tiếp tục tham gia khóa trị liệu với BetterHelp và quản lý những nỗi lo của bản thân.
Suy nghĩ để ra cách
Chứ suy nghĩ lo bò trắng răng, thì ko suy nghĩ.
>>>>Tập thiền, tập chạy bộ mỗi ngày.
>>>>Vẫn có một sự quan tâm đặc biệt với L, nhưng sẽ phải independent hơn trong tất cả mọi thứ.
>>>>Mở miệng ra và nói chuyện với bất kỳ ai gặp được. Bắt buộc phải mở miệng ko được im nữa.
Talk to at least 5 people/day in 1 minute.
>>>>Giu vững ý kiến và lập trường của bản thân.
>>>>Nếu bị vấn đề, ko được sợ, phải nói từng chữ một ra, nhắm mắt mà nói.
Thứ Năm, 14 tháng 2, 2019
7 Secrets for a Relationship That Lasts
Whether you’ve just begun a committed relationship, or you’ve got decades under your belt, whether your song is "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5 or "Best of My Love" by the Eagles, whether your next anniversary is paper or diamond, we all need to tend to our relationships.
Married, cohabiting, or simply in it for the long haul, any committed relationship needs a few tools to make it through the years. Here are 7 science-backed secrets to make your long-term relationship feel more like a Bruno Mars flash mob and less like the theme song from Married with Children.
1. Be your own person.
Before welcoming another adult into your life, it’s important to have spent time adulting yourself. Your life need not be cross-indexed and color-coded, but it is important to have separated in a healthy way from your family of origin. If your mother still wakes you up in the morning or does your laundry, now is the time to get your life on solid footing before merging it with another human’s.
2. Be a team.
Problems like differing views on parenting, cleanliness, and money may seem unsolvable. But the least constructive approach to difficult problems is to blame each other and fight it out.
Instead, try an approach called unified detachment. Unified detachment is a fundamental shift in perspective that joins you and your partner together against the problem. Rather than approaching a problem as you against your crazed, headstrong partner, approach the situation as the two of you united against the problem. For example, “How can we collaborate to better budget our money?” or “How can we work together to argue less?”
3. Outweigh the negatives with positives.
A classic study out of the University of Washington asked heterosexual newlywed couples to discuss a touchy subject in their relationship for 15 minutes. The headline-making results found that divorce could be foreseen by analyzing the first three minutes of the couples’ argument. The key was the balance of negative and positive interactions. In their discussions, spouses in stable relationships displayed less negative affect — contempt, belligerence, or defensiveness — and more positive affect, like validation, affection, and humor.
Interestingly, for the husbands, analyzing the argument in its entirety increased the ability to predict divorce. Over the course of the argument, husbands in stable marriages got a little more negative, but they simultaneously stayed positive: making jokes, listening, and being affectionate.
Husbands in marriages that would eventually end in divorce, however, got increasingly negative and less positive over the course of the 15 minutes. By the end, calling their spouse by a cute nickname or validating her viewpoint went out the window.
Later, the same research lab developed the magic ratio for a healthy relationship: For every negative interaction, they advise, you need five positive interactions. In other words, stable couples argue, of course, but that arguing is filled with joking and teasing and listening and love.
4. Be equal.
A study in the American Journal of Sociology found that couples in egalitarian relationships are less likely to divorce than couples where one brings home the bacon, and the other cooks it up.
So how do you achieve parity? It’s not as simple as splitting up the chores along gender lines.
A study in the journal Marriage and Family Review differentiated between “low-control” and “high-control” tasks. Low-control tasks are named as such, because there is little control or choice in the matter — they have to be done more or less continuously, like loading and unloading the dishwasher; or at specific times, like making dinner; or on demand, like changing a diaper. High-control tasks, by contrast, can be done when it’s convenient and have a specific beginning and end, like mowing the lawn or doing a home repair. Traditionally, low-control tasks have been designated as women’s, while high-control tasks have been labeled as men’s.
Therefore, take a page from many same-sex relationships, and divide responsibilities by interest and value rather than by gender roles. For example, the socialite takes responsibility for playdates and get-togethers. The foodie makes dinner or does the grocery shopping. And the tasks no one wants? You have three options: outsource, workaround (no one has to water plants if you don’t have any!), or divvy them up. Even if the divvying ends up falling along gender lines, as long as you decided on those assignments together, you’ll go a long way towards shrinking resentment.
Next, in families with kids, there’s an overwhelming barrage of kid-related invisible labor: scheduling playdates, researching pediatricians, ordering softball uniforms, and returning them when they don’t fit, etc. In heterosexual relationships, this keeping track of a thousand and one things usually falls to the woman.
How does this get started? It’s been argued that it starts with maternity leave. It takes time and practice to gain expertise in a task. So when moms are given a leave of absence, but dads are not, moms gain singular expertise during those hundreds of hours with the baby, and that gap never gets closed. The solution? Paternal leave. Indeed, a Pew Research survey found that 69 percent of Americans believe fathers should receive paid parental leave, which would help level the playing field.
5. Expect a lot of your partner, but not everything.
While fairytale expectations are bound to be disappointing, a study in the prestigious Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that marriages stay happy with a magic combination of high expectations and partners’ ability to reach them.
In the study, couples were asked about their expectations of their relationship. Next, they were asked to come into the lab, identify a point of conflict in their relationship, and work towards a resolution. Researchers observed each partner as they argued and noted when partners avoided the topic, criticized or faulted the other, shirked responsibility, made presumptions, or were hostile. By contrast, researchers also noted when partners stayed on topic and furthered the resolution.
When individuals had high expectations of the relationship, and their partners could deliver, that match of expectations and ability made for a happier relationship.
But not everyone can rise to meet expectations — when individuals had high expectations, but their partners had less-than-perfect communication skills, those same high expectations set the couple up for disappointment.
The take-home message? Expect a lot of your partner, but only what they’re capable of.
6. Lie to yourself a little.
Remember when you first fell in love, and you thought your partner was the greatest, the cutest, the smartest? Keep them on that pedestal, at least a little. A study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that harboring illusions about your relationship went along with greater satisfaction, love, and trust, as well as less conflict. Furthermore, the stronger your initial illusions, the greater the likelihood of your relationship lasting over the years. Even when he gets bald and pudgy, or she’s sporting granny panties, they’ll still be your Prince or Princess Charming.
7. Commit to commitment itself.
Making a relationship last is more than committing to another person. It’s also committing to the idea of commitment. Couple therapists in training are taught to pay attention to three things in the therapy room: each partner, and also the relationship itself. Every couple creates their own little culture, and it’s vital to note if it’s a culture of love, support, and middle ground, or one of criticism, insecurity, and power struggles.
dotshock/Shutterstock
Source: dotshock/Shutterstock
Seeing a partnership as something the two of you build together every day keeps you in the game much more than simply seeing the relationship as a way to get your individual needs met.
To sum it all up, the grass is greener where you water it. So tend to yourself and your relationship, and watch your garden grow. It may not always be a rose garden, but together, it will be yours.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/201902/7-secrets-relationship-lasts?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost&fbclid=IwAR0euainyo_IfEK-mJsxvJyJmskBOpf8H44TKaflHmQcAV8fQdm49d2D_NM
Married, cohabiting, or simply in it for the long haul, any committed relationship needs a few tools to make it through the years. Here are 7 science-backed secrets to make your long-term relationship feel more like a Bruno Mars flash mob and less like the theme song from Married with Children.
1. Be your own person.
Before welcoming another adult into your life, it’s important to have spent time adulting yourself. Your life need not be cross-indexed and color-coded, but it is important to have separated in a healthy way from your family of origin. If your mother still wakes you up in the morning or does your laundry, now is the time to get your life on solid footing before merging it with another human’s.
2. Be a team.
Problems like differing views on parenting, cleanliness, and money may seem unsolvable. But the least constructive approach to difficult problems is to blame each other and fight it out.
Instead, try an approach called unified detachment. Unified detachment is a fundamental shift in perspective that joins you and your partner together against the problem. Rather than approaching a problem as you against your crazed, headstrong partner, approach the situation as the two of you united against the problem. For example, “How can we collaborate to better budget our money?” or “How can we work together to argue less?”
3. Outweigh the negatives with positives.
A classic study out of the University of Washington asked heterosexual newlywed couples to discuss a touchy subject in their relationship for 15 minutes. The headline-making results found that divorce could be foreseen by analyzing the first three minutes of the couples’ argument. The key was the balance of negative and positive interactions. In their discussions, spouses in stable relationships displayed less negative affect — contempt, belligerence, or defensiveness — and more positive affect, like validation, affection, and humor.
Interestingly, for the husbands, analyzing the argument in its entirety increased the ability to predict divorce. Over the course of the argument, husbands in stable marriages got a little more negative, but they simultaneously stayed positive: making jokes, listening, and being affectionate.
Husbands in marriages that would eventually end in divorce, however, got increasingly negative and less positive over the course of the 15 minutes. By the end, calling their spouse by a cute nickname or validating her viewpoint went out the window.
Later, the same research lab developed the magic ratio for a healthy relationship: For every negative interaction, they advise, you need five positive interactions. In other words, stable couples argue, of course, but that arguing is filled with joking and teasing and listening and love.
4. Be equal.
A study in the American Journal of Sociology found that couples in egalitarian relationships are less likely to divorce than couples where one brings home the bacon, and the other cooks it up.
So how do you achieve parity? It’s not as simple as splitting up the chores along gender lines.
A study in the journal Marriage and Family Review differentiated between “low-control” and “high-control” tasks. Low-control tasks are named as such, because there is little control or choice in the matter — they have to be done more or less continuously, like loading and unloading the dishwasher; or at specific times, like making dinner; or on demand, like changing a diaper. High-control tasks, by contrast, can be done when it’s convenient and have a specific beginning and end, like mowing the lawn or doing a home repair. Traditionally, low-control tasks have been designated as women’s, while high-control tasks have been labeled as men’s.
Therefore, take a page from many same-sex relationships, and divide responsibilities by interest and value rather than by gender roles. For example, the socialite takes responsibility for playdates and get-togethers. The foodie makes dinner or does the grocery shopping. And the tasks no one wants? You have three options: outsource, workaround (no one has to water plants if you don’t have any!), or divvy them up. Even if the divvying ends up falling along gender lines, as long as you decided on those assignments together, you’ll go a long way towards shrinking resentment.
Next, in families with kids, there’s an overwhelming barrage of kid-related invisible labor: scheduling playdates, researching pediatricians, ordering softball uniforms, and returning them when they don’t fit, etc. In heterosexual relationships, this keeping track of a thousand and one things usually falls to the woman.
How does this get started? It’s been argued that it starts with maternity leave. It takes time and practice to gain expertise in a task. So when moms are given a leave of absence, but dads are not, moms gain singular expertise during those hundreds of hours with the baby, and that gap never gets closed. The solution? Paternal leave. Indeed, a Pew Research survey found that 69 percent of Americans believe fathers should receive paid parental leave, which would help level the playing field.
5. Expect a lot of your partner, but not everything.
While fairytale expectations are bound to be disappointing, a study in the prestigious Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that marriages stay happy with a magic combination of high expectations and partners’ ability to reach them.
In the study, couples were asked about their expectations of their relationship. Next, they were asked to come into the lab, identify a point of conflict in their relationship, and work towards a resolution. Researchers observed each partner as they argued and noted when partners avoided the topic, criticized or faulted the other, shirked responsibility, made presumptions, or were hostile. By contrast, researchers also noted when partners stayed on topic and furthered the resolution.
When individuals had high expectations of the relationship, and their partners could deliver, that match of expectations and ability made for a happier relationship.
But not everyone can rise to meet expectations — when individuals had high expectations, but their partners had less-than-perfect communication skills, those same high expectations set the couple up for disappointment.
The take-home message? Expect a lot of your partner, but only what they’re capable of.
6. Lie to yourself a little.
Remember when you first fell in love, and you thought your partner was the greatest, the cutest, the smartest? Keep them on that pedestal, at least a little. A study in Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that harboring illusions about your relationship went along with greater satisfaction, love, and trust, as well as less conflict. Furthermore, the stronger your initial illusions, the greater the likelihood of your relationship lasting over the years. Even when he gets bald and pudgy, or she’s sporting granny panties, they’ll still be your Prince or Princess Charming.
7. Commit to commitment itself.
Making a relationship last is more than committing to another person. It’s also committing to the idea of commitment. Couple therapists in training are taught to pay attention to three things in the therapy room: each partner, and also the relationship itself. Every couple creates their own little culture, and it’s vital to note if it’s a culture of love, support, and middle ground, or one of criticism, insecurity, and power struggles.
dotshock/Shutterstock
Source: dotshock/Shutterstock
Seeing a partnership as something the two of you build together every day keeps you in the game much more than simply seeing the relationship as a way to get your individual needs met.
To sum it all up, the grass is greener where you water it. So tend to yourself and your relationship, and watch your garden grow. It may not always be a rose garden, but together, it will be yours.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/how-be-yourself/201902/7-secrets-relationship-lasts?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost&fbclid=IwAR0euainyo_IfEK-mJsxvJyJmskBOpf8H44TKaflHmQcAV8fQdm49d2D_NM
Gửi các bạn đang buồn đời vì FA ngày Valentine: Nồi nào thì sẽ có vung thích hợp, mây tầng nào sẽ gặp mây tầng ấy, không phải vội vàng
Source: http://kenh14.vn/gui-cac-ban-dang-buon-doi-vi-fa-ngay-valentine-noi-nao-thi-se-co-vung-thich-hop-may-tang-nao-se-gap-may-tang-ay-khong-phai-voi-vang-20190214180959339.chn
Trước vô vàn các lý do mà người ta nêu ra để cảm thán cho cái “vấn nạn” mang tên FA, thì có vẻ như chúng ta vẫn chưa công bằng khi không chịu nhìn nhận về những lợi ích và giá trị mà FA đang sở hữu, thậm chí là chưa nhìn nhận cho đúng về chính bản thân mình.
Nếu mọi thứ của bạn đều không quá tệ - về ngoại hình, tính cách, sự nghiệp… mà vẫn FA, thì chắc chắn rằng bạn là một người tinh tế và chừng mực. Bạn không dễ dãi để mà hài lòng với việc kiếm “tạm” một người cho khuây khỏa nỗi cô đơn. Bạn có những tiêu chuẩn và giá trị riêng để trân trọng và đặt nó làm thước đo cho cuộc sống của mình.
Còn nếu bạn cảm thấy bản thân vẫn “chưa được tốt” về một phương diện nào đó - và điều này cũng chỉ là tương đối mà thôi, vậy thì hãy tận dụng khoảng thời gian “alone” này để tiếp tục hoàn thiện bản thân cũng như nâng tầm cuộc sống của chính mình.
Bởi vì mây ở tầng nào thì gặp mây tầng đó, nên để tìm được một người tốt nhất dành cho bạn, thì bạn hãy trở thành phiên bản tốt nhất của chính mình. Và ngay bây giờ chính là thời điểm phù hợp nhất, khi mà bạn chưa có nhiều sự ràng buộc về trách nhiệm và thời gian: hãy thoải mái dành thời gian chăm sóc bản thân mình từ tâm hồn, tính cách cho đến diện mạo và sự nghiệp.
Bạn không thể gặp được người chân thành nếu bản thân hay lừa dối. Bạn không thể gặp được người tử tế và rộng lượng nếu bản thân chỉ biết tính toán nhỏ nhen. Bạn không thể gặp được một người thành công nếu bản thân bạn chẳng có chút thành tựu gì đáng kể trong cuộc đời. Mà nếu như bạn có may mắn gặp được “người trong mộng”, thì cả hai người cũng rất khó lòng để đi đến một cái kết đẹp bởi vì không có được những giá trị tương đồng.
Không phải ngẫu nhiên mà chúng ta thường nghe thấy lời khuyên này từ những người đã thành công trong cuộc sống: hãy cho đi trước khi muốn nhận lại, hãy luôn học hỏi và hoàn thiện trước hết là bản thân mình.
Bạn biết đấy, nàng Lọ Lem Meghan Markle được gặp và kết hôn với Hoàng tử Harry không phải chỉ nhờ may mắn, mà bởi vì cô ấy đã không chấp nhận cho bản thân mình bỏ cuộc và sống một cách tầm thường sau bao vấp ngã trong cuộc đời. Khoan hãy bàn về những điều tiếng của cô, mà chúng ta hãy nhìn vào nghị lực và những cố gắng của Meghan.
Cũng thế, chàng nghệ sĩ nghèo xấu xí Lee Sang Soon bị cả Hàn Quốc chê cười lại chiếm trọn trái tim của “nữ hoàng sexy” Lee Hyo Ri là do bản thân anh ấy có được những giá trị khiến cho Hyo Ri cảm thấy ngưỡng mộ và tin tưởng.
Ngược lại, có rất nhiều người xung quanh chúng ta có xuất phát điểm trong tình yêu nhanh chóng và thuận lợi, nhưng rồi sau đó lại trở thành bi kịch của cuộc đời họ, để lại biết bao sự hối tiếc, đau thương. Biết bao người hy sinh hết mình cho tình yêu để rồi bản thân không thể tiến bước, không thể phát triển, tưởng rằng với tình yêu mù quáng ấy mình sẽ được đáp lại xứng đáng, ai ngờ kết quả là một mình họ bị bỏ lại sau lưng.
Cho nên sớm một bước chưa hẳn đã là may mắn, muộn một chút chưa chắc là không có hậu. Quan trọng là đúng lúc, đúng người và phù hợp. Quan trọng hơn nữa là hiểu rằng chúng ta luôn có quyền lựa chọn, nên vận mệnh nằm trong tay của chính chúng ta. Chúng ta không quyết định được điểm xuất phát nhưng có thể xác định được chặng đường và đích đến của mình.
Để thực sự yêu thương được người khác thì chúng ta phải biết cách yêu thương chính bản thân mình trước đã. Bởi vì cách mà bạn làm một việc chính là cách mà bạn làm mọi việc. Nếu bạn biết trân trọng giá trị tốt đẹp của mình, biết nuôi dưỡng và phát triển bản thân, nếu bạn biết cách bao dung những sai lầm và biết ôm ấp những nỗi khổ đau, những điểm còn hạn chế của bản thân mà không oán than, không từ bỏ - thì bạn cũng sẽ yêu thương được người khác theo cách ấy.
Cho nên, một tình yêu đích thực sẽ không mưu cầu, đòi hỏi đối phương phải thay đổi hay phải hướng theo ý muốn của ta, mà cũng không bỏ mặc làm ngơ hay dễ dãi để cho người ta thương chìm đắm trong thói xấu. Một tình yêu đích thực nghĩa là biết trân trọng, phát huy những điểm tốt và hỗ trợ để cải thiện những điểm còn chưa tốt của đối phương. Đó là ý nghĩa của một tình yêu đích thực, là điều sẽ giúp cho bản thân của chúng ta thăng hoa đến mức tốt đẹp nhất và tô thêm những gam màu tươi sáng cho cuộc sống của cả hai người.
Đừng để FA làm cho bạn cảm thấy không đủ hạnh phúc, đừng để áp lực bởi nỗi cô đơn hay áp lực từ những lời nói của gia đình, họ hàng, bạn bè khiến cho bạn phải nhắm mắt chọn đại lấy một người mà quên rằng đó sẽ là người có tác động vô cùng lớn đến cả cuộc đời của bạn.
Một nhà hiền triết đã nói rằng: "Chỉ những người có khả năng ở một mình mới có khả năng để yêu thương, để chia sẻ, để đi vào cốt lõi sâu thẳm nhất của người khác, mà không sở hữu người khác, không trở nên lệ thuộc vào người khác, không thu nhỏ người khác thành một đồ vật và không trở nên nghiện người khác.
Họ cho phép người khác tự do tuyệt đối, bởi họ biết, nếu người khác ra đi, họ vẫn sẽ hạnh phúc như bây giờ. Hạnh phúc của họ không thể bị người khác lấy đi, bởi vì nó không do người khác trao cho họ.”
Chúng ta thật may mắn vì đã qua cái thời “cha mẹ đặt đâu con ngồi đấy” đầy ngang trái, thế thì tại sao không tận dụng ưu thế này để tích cực phát triển bản thân, để hướng cuộc sống theo cái cách mà chúng ta mơ ước, để tự do lựa chọn người mà chúng ta sẽ gửi gắm hạnh phúc trọn đời?
Không ai sống thay cho chúng ta được, vì vậy chúng ta cũng không nên để cho người khác quyết định hoặc làm ảnh hưởng đến tương lai của chính mình. Chỉ có chúng ta mới hiểu rõ những mong ước, những tiềm năng và giá trị của bản thân để nuôi dưỡng, phát huy và làm cho chúng tỏa sáng. Tình yêu là gia vị giúp cuộc sống có thêm nhiều hương sắc, nhưng đừng quên rằng bản thân bạn mới là nguyên liệu chính của bữa tiệc cuộc đời.
Are You a Champion of Repair?
Linda: No matter how hard we try, there are sure to be breakdowns of all kinds, misunderstandings, broken agreements, not having our needs met, unhealed wounds that get activated, and other provocations that send us straight into conflict. It’s not the negative interactions themselves that are the problem; it’s how we respond to them that makes the biggest difference. Couples with high-performance relationships are champs, because they know what to do to repair the disconnection quickly after it occurs. Consider the following examples of repair:
1. Acceptance: First of all, they don’t fear conflict to the point where they deny the issue. They are willing to tell the truth when alignment is interrupted.
2. Attitude: They accept that conflict isn’t dangerous, and that it even has some advantages when utilized properly. The dark side of relationships offers up opportunities to compare contrasting experiences and perspectives that can be a creative process leading to greater understanding.
3. Deep Breaths: Breathing deeply helps us to slow down and quiet the agitated mind so we can think more effectively.
4. Safety: With a strong commitment to the relationship, there is a sense of trust on both sides to continue the dialogue, even when feelings run high, until some completion is achieved.
5. Self-Discipline: We will have many opportunities to resist the temptation to indulge ourselves in blurting out criticism. Self-discipline allows us to put thought between feeling and speaking or behaving. Practicing self-restraint allows us to pause to reflect so that skillful choices are made that will enhance the dialogue.
6. Non-Reactive Listening: By really taking in what the other person is saying, our partner is assured that we care and want to know what they are feeling and what they need.
7. Paraphrasing: Repeating in our own words, “What I hear you saying is…” allows for an opportunity to clear up any distortion. And it helps our partner to calm down and relax, trusting that their message has been received.
8. Tone: Keeping a sharp, accusatory tone out of the conversation is a big plus.
9. Manipulation: Manipulations of all kinds (withdrawal, threats, ultimatums, distraction, etc.) put people on the defensive. We are wise to become aware of the ways we manipulate and delete them all.
10. Ask Questions: When we ask questions, we are showing that we want to understand the other person’s point of view.
11. Requests: When demands and commands are issued, it is a turn-off to our partner. Turning complaints into requests rather than criticism is a skillful way of avoiding negativity.
12. Feedback: Feedback is not criticism; it’s sharing our personal responses to what the other person is saying and doing.
13. Respect: We can bring grievances and disappointments to our partner in a tactful way rather than affixing blame.
14. Planning: Having some agreements in place (like speaking with I-statements, no shouting, no name calling, no threats, either party can call a time-out) is an effective method of repair. By referring mentally or verbally to these previously agreed-upon guidelines, we are able to compose ourselves before launching the repair conversation.
15. Common Ground: Finding those areas where we are aligned encourages a feeling of being on the same team rather than adversaries.
16. Enlightened Self-Interest: Appealing to our partner by showing them how a shift in attitude or behavior will benefit us both is a sensible approach.
17. Possibilities: Avoiding lapsing into positioned thinking — characterized by good/bad, either/or, right/wrong — allows us to think creatively and lifts us out of deadlocks.
18. Sandwich: Leading with a sincere affirmation of a positive attribute, then bringing forward the complaint, and ending with another positive statement affirms what's working well in the partnership, and pares the difficulty down to a workable size.
19. Flexibility: Loosening our white-knuckle grip on being right is powerful repair. While we are positioned in being right, our partner may feel very wrong, and then we both lose.
20. Curiosity: Being genuinely curious about our own and our partner’s sore spots (left over from traumas from childhood or adult relationships) will shed light on why we get so emotionally triggered. An investigation of these wounds can be healing, resulting in less reactivity.
21. Lifelong Learning: Learning from each other is enriching. Since opposites attract, we are with someone quite different from us in attitudes, style, beliefs, behaviors, and even some of their values. Learning from each other’s strengths helps us to grow into a bigger person.
22. Responsiveness: When our partner is gesturing towards us with some form of repair attempt, if we show that we are willing to join them in the process, it moves the recovery along.
23. Humor: A light touch of playfulness can go a long way to ease the tension and create a conducive climate for collaboration.
24. Apology: Saying that we are sincerely sorry when we cause harm is a good start. Adding what we understand from the breakdown is a fine addition. It shows that we understand what will prevent a similar breakdown in the future.
25. Forgiveness: The willingness to let go is profound repair. It may not happen in one sitting.
26. Vulnerability: Below the irritation, anger, and resentment, there is always hurt, fear, or both. Being courageous enough to speak from our deeper experience (our needs and these more tender feelings) positions us to meet heart-to-heart, which allows for less feelings of threat and more feelings of connection.
27. Touch: Well-timed physical touching in the form of taking our partner’s hands, giving a hug, or putting our arm around them can reduce tension and open up a channel for deeper communication.
28. Gratitude: Remembering to thank our partner for their efforts to make the most thorough and rapid repair possible is always useful.
Please do not be confined to this list. Every couple is challenged to devise those guidelines that are efficient repair for their individual needs. These are some popular and effective methods. I am wishing you speedy repair.
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/stronger-the-broken-places/201901/are-you-champion-repair?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost&fbclid=IwAR1DGDVmTkAbMnxvsKQU_R7_JyjlSEWlY3azQ722tjtsaJTyLSSmm6YmQHA
How to Help Teenage Girls Reframe Anxiety and Strengthen Resilience
In the last decade, rates of anxiety-related disorders in teenagers have steadily risen, particularly in girls. Researchers and psychologists posit several hypotheses about why these rates are on the rise -- from digital hyperconnectivity to heightened external pressures to simply a greater awareness, and therefore diagnosis, of mental health concerns.
Whatever the causes, Dr. Lisa Damour has hopeful news for parents and teens: first, some degree of stress and anxiety is not only normal but essential for human growth. And if those levels become untenable, there are tested strategies for reining anxiety back in.
Reframing Anxiety
Damour, a psychologist and author of the new book "Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls," has spent decades working with adolescent girls and their families. In recent years, she has noticed a change in how society views stress. “Somehow a misunderstanding has grown up about stress and anxiety where our culture now sees both as pathological,” said Damour. “The upshot of that is that we have adults and young people who are stressed about being stressed and anxious about being anxious.”
Anxiety is a normal and healthy function, according to Damour, and much of the anxiety that teenagers express is a sign that they are aware of their surroundings, mindful of their growing responsibilities, and frightened of things that are, in fact, scary. Adults can make a difference simply by “reassuring them that, a great deal of time, stress is just operating as a friend and ally to them.”
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Change and stress go hand in hand -- even if a change is positive. Teenagers' lives are filled with change: Their bodies and brains are transforming, they usually switch schools at least once between grades 5 and 12, their academic workload is increasing, and social relationships are constantly evolving. The anxiety that comes with stretching to face these and other challenges is part of how humans develop strength, said Damour.
When she talks with teenage girls, she uses the metaphor of exercise: To develop physical strength, you have to slowly push your levels of physical endurance, building up strength through resistance training. Similarly, said Damour, “you should see [a challenge] as an extraordinary weight training program for your mind. You are going to walk out of it tougher and stronger than you have ever been.”
Stress, Emotion and the Teenage Brain
Sometimes anxiety and stress reach levels that impede a girl’s ability to navigate life effectively. That said, Damour cautions that an emotional outburst -- in and of itself -- is not a reliable indicator of mental health. “If you are raising a normally developing teenage daughter, she will have meltdowns. And there’s nothing you can do to prevent that,” said Damour.
Of course, when it’s your daughter who is sobbing on the bathroom floor, it’s hard to keep this in perspective. “When it’s your kid, it’s terrifying,” Damour said. “A lot of parents are frightened and paralyzed in that moment. They wonder: Is this a sign that something is really wrong or that my kid is really out of control?”
This is where a little neuroscience might be helpful, said Damour. “The adolescent brain is very gawky and vulnerable to emotion.” That gawkiness stems from the extraordinary brain development that happens in adolescence. “The brain is upgrading, but in the same order as it initially developed,” said Damour, from the more primitive regions that house emotions to the more sophisticated regions that regulate perspective and problem-solving.
The result? “When she’s calm, a teenage girl can outreason any adult. When she’s upset, her primitive regions can hijack the whole system and take it down.”
When your daughter is emotionally overwhelmed, give her a little time. Damour said it’s easy to see a meltdown as a fire that’s about to turn into a conflagration. But a storm is a more accurate metaphor. “You can’t stop a storm,” she said. “You have to wait it out. But these storms do pass. The brain will reset itself. Don’t try to stop the storm or fix it in the moment.”
Instead, sit with her, go on a walk together, watch a funny show, or offer her a cup of tea, advised Damour. After weathering a few storms successfully, “parents and teenagers get to discover that -- all by itself -- the storm will pass. At that point, either the problem completely evaporates and she moves on, or the girl can now look at the problem with clear eyes, assess it with her prefrontal lobe back online, and figure out what she wants to do.”
Responding Instead of Reacting
Teenage girls are particularly sensitive to the cues they receive from parents and teachers – from words to facial expressions. How adults respond to teens’ emotional reactions matters a lot, said Damour. When adults become anxious in response to a teen’s anxiety, it exacerbates the situation.
Helping girls weather stress storms can be “excruciating for parents,” and Damour said she understands the almost primal desire to alleviate the pain, solve the problem for them or remove the stressor -- such as letting them stay home from school if they are anxious about a test. But avoidance feeds anxiety. Girls often feel stressed because they overestimate the difficulty of a situation and underestimate their ability to deal with it, said Damour. When they avoid a situation, they miss the opportunity to correct that perception and recognize their own strength.
Damour has found two words helpful in helping keep teens in the driver’s seat: “stinks” and “handle.”
“ ‘That really stinks’ is a very simple phrase that cuts right through it. It says, ‘I hear you and I’m just going to sit here for a moment and acknowledge that what you are up against isn’t that great,’ ” said Damour, “Empathy goes very, very far in helping them contain what is upsetting them.”
Often, there is no simple solution to a stressor, so “the next step may simply be acceptance – acceptance of the situation and of their strength to persist through it. It’s the ability to say to yourself, ‘This stinks, but this is something I can handle.’ ”
Damour said the word “handle” is empowering. Girls learn that “by enduring this, I’ll be able to endure more down the line. I’ll build up my capacity to handle unpleasant situations.”
Build in Recovery Time
In strength training, “you can’t just lift weights day after day after day,” said Damour. “In order to get the full benefits from the workout, your muscles need a chance to recover and repair.” The same holds true for the brain.
If teens accept that some level of stress is inevitable, they can spend less time worrying about stress and more time focusing on how they can build in recovery time.
“The good news is your mind recovers a lot faster than your muscles do. But you need to restore yourself so you can go right back in for another workout. Your job is to figure out how you like to recover. What’s the system that really works for you?” For some teens, playing sports gives them the reboot they need to focus on academics. Another student might benefit from a watching a 22-minute episode of a sitcom, playing with a dog, going on a walk or listening to a favorite music playlist.
Having conversations with stressed-out teens about this type of downtime redirects the attention away from the stress and toward the recovery. Students can’t always control the stressors in their life, said Damour, but they can have a say over how they choose to restore themselves.
The Restorative Power of Sleep
Sleep deprivation is one of the simplest explanations for the rise in anxiety-related concerns, Damour said. “Sleep is the glue that holds human beings together.”
The research is unambiguous: When we are sleep-deprived, we are less emotionally resilient. According to Damour, the first question many clinicians ask teens who come in for anxiety is, “How much sleep are you getting?”
If they are consistently getting less than seven or eight hours, that’s the first line of intervention. “Teenagers need nine hours a night, middle-schoolers need 10, and elementary students need 11. Caffeine doesn’t make up for that.”
When it comes to sleep, she says, small changes can make a big difference, including completing as much homework as they can during the schoolday, making judicious choices about how much time they spend on any given assignment, and monitoring social media use in the evening.
“Technology is very hard on sleep,” said Damour. “I’m not anti-social media, but it makes a tremendous difference for teens to not have a phone and computer in the bedroom at night. Teenagers have texts waking them up.”
Because of the melatonin-suppressing effects of blue light emitted from smartphone screens and other devices, Damour encourages teens to turn off social media notifications well before going to sleep. But it’s not just the blue light. “Girls will often see something on social media that will keep them up at night -- and if you ask them, they’ll usually admit this.”
Growing Up Brave
According to Damour, the most powerful force for good in a teenager’s life is a “caring, working relationship with at least one loving adult.” Within that context, adults can offer teenagers empathy, grounded perspective and a vote of confidence as they work through challenges -- helping them aim for courage, not avoidance.
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“Brave is a positive word -- it’s something we aspire to be,” said Damour. “Built into the word is the understanding that the person is scared and yet they are doing something anyway. Scared is here to stay. Anxiety is part of life. It’s not our job to vanquish these feelings. It’s our job to develop the resources we need to march forward anyway.”
Source: https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52994/how-to-help-teenage-girls-reframe-anxiety-and-strengthen-resilience?fbclid=IwAR1BCfRwDsuzKRGXpr8EFNM39H418JChsS-OjPgXvpNnfEL-b46GNMNzPTo
Whatever the causes, Dr. Lisa Damour has hopeful news for parents and teens: first, some degree of stress and anxiety is not only normal but essential for human growth. And if those levels become untenable, there are tested strategies for reining anxiety back in.
Reframing Anxiety
Damour, a psychologist and author of the new book "Under Pressure: Confronting the Epidemic of Stress and Anxiety in Girls," has spent decades working with adolescent girls and their families. In recent years, she has noticed a change in how society views stress. “Somehow a misunderstanding has grown up about stress and anxiety where our culture now sees both as pathological,” said Damour. “The upshot of that is that we have adults and young people who are stressed about being stressed and anxious about being anxious.”
Anxiety is a normal and healthy function, according to Damour, and much of the anxiety that teenagers express is a sign that they are aware of their surroundings, mindful of their growing responsibilities, and frightened of things that are, in fact, scary. Adults can make a difference simply by “reassuring them that, a great deal of time, stress is just operating as a friend and ally to them.”
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Change and stress go hand in hand -- even if a change is positive. Teenagers' lives are filled with change: Their bodies and brains are transforming, they usually switch schools at least once between grades 5 and 12, their academic workload is increasing, and social relationships are constantly evolving. The anxiety that comes with stretching to face these and other challenges is part of how humans develop strength, said Damour.
When she talks with teenage girls, she uses the metaphor of exercise: To develop physical strength, you have to slowly push your levels of physical endurance, building up strength through resistance training. Similarly, said Damour, “you should see [a challenge] as an extraordinary weight training program for your mind. You are going to walk out of it tougher and stronger than you have ever been.”
Stress, Emotion and the Teenage Brain
Sometimes anxiety and stress reach levels that impede a girl’s ability to navigate life effectively. That said, Damour cautions that an emotional outburst -- in and of itself -- is not a reliable indicator of mental health. “If you are raising a normally developing teenage daughter, she will have meltdowns. And there’s nothing you can do to prevent that,” said Damour.
Of course, when it’s your daughter who is sobbing on the bathroom floor, it’s hard to keep this in perspective. “When it’s your kid, it’s terrifying,” Damour said. “A lot of parents are frightened and paralyzed in that moment. They wonder: Is this a sign that something is really wrong or that my kid is really out of control?”
This is where a little neuroscience might be helpful, said Damour. “The adolescent brain is very gawky and vulnerable to emotion.” That gawkiness stems from the extraordinary brain development that happens in adolescence. “The brain is upgrading, but in the same order as it initially developed,” said Damour, from the more primitive regions that house emotions to the more sophisticated regions that regulate perspective and problem-solving.
The result? “When she’s calm, a teenage girl can outreason any adult. When she’s upset, her primitive regions can hijack the whole system and take it down.”
When your daughter is emotionally overwhelmed, give her a little time. Damour said it’s easy to see a meltdown as a fire that’s about to turn into a conflagration. But a storm is a more accurate metaphor. “You can’t stop a storm,” she said. “You have to wait it out. But these storms do pass. The brain will reset itself. Don’t try to stop the storm or fix it in the moment.”
Instead, sit with her, go on a walk together, watch a funny show, or offer her a cup of tea, advised Damour. After weathering a few storms successfully, “parents and teenagers get to discover that -- all by itself -- the storm will pass. At that point, either the problem completely evaporates and she moves on, or the girl can now look at the problem with clear eyes, assess it with her prefrontal lobe back online, and figure out what she wants to do.”
Responding Instead of Reacting
Teenage girls are particularly sensitive to the cues they receive from parents and teachers – from words to facial expressions. How adults respond to teens’ emotional reactions matters a lot, said Damour. When adults become anxious in response to a teen’s anxiety, it exacerbates the situation.
Helping girls weather stress storms can be “excruciating for parents,” and Damour said she understands the almost primal desire to alleviate the pain, solve the problem for them or remove the stressor -- such as letting them stay home from school if they are anxious about a test. But avoidance feeds anxiety. Girls often feel stressed because they overestimate the difficulty of a situation and underestimate their ability to deal with it, said Damour. When they avoid a situation, they miss the opportunity to correct that perception and recognize their own strength.
Damour has found two words helpful in helping keep teens in the driver’s seat: “stinks” and “handle.”
“ ‘That really stinks’ is a very simple phrase that cuts right through it. It says, ‘I hear you and I’m just going to sit here for a moment and acknowledge that what you are up against isn’t that great,’ ” said Damour, “Empathy goes very, very far in helping them contain what is upsetting them.”
Often, there is no simple solution to a stressor, so “the next step may simply be acceptance – acceptance of the situation and of their strength to persist through it. It’s the ability to say to yourself, ‘This stinks, but this is something I can handle.’ ”
Damour said the word “handle” is empowering. Girls learn that “by enduring this, I’ll be able to endure more down the line. I’ll build up my capacity to handle unpleasant situations.”
Build in Recovery Time
In strength training, “you can’t just lift weights day after day after day,” said Damour. “In order to get the full benefits from the workout, your muscles need a chance to recover and repair.” The same holds true for the brain.
If teens accept that some level of stress is inevitable, they can spend less time worrying about stress and more time focusing on how they can build in recovery time.
“The good news is your mind recovers a lot faster than your muscles do. But you need to restore yourself so you can go right back in for another workout. Your job is to figure out how you like to recover. What’s the system that really works for you?” For some teens, playing sports gives them the reboot they need to focus on academics. Another student might benefit from a watching a 22-minute episode of a sitcom, playing with a dog, going on a walk or listening to a favorite music playlist.
Having conversations with stressed-out teens about this type of downtime redirects the attention away from the stress and toward the recovery. Students can’t always control the stressors in their life, said Damour, but they can have a say over how they choose to restore themselves.
The Restorative Power of Sleep
Sleep deprivation is one of the simplest explanations for the rise in anxiety-related concerns, Damour said. “Sleep is the glue that holds human beings together.”
The research is unambiguous: When we are sleep-deprived, we are less emotionally resilient. According to Damour, the first question many clinicians ask teens who come in for anxiety is, “How much sleep are you getting?”
If they are consistently getting less than seven or eight hours, that’s the first line of intervention. “Teenagers need nine hours a night, middle-schoolers need 10, and elementary students need 11. Caffeine doesn’t make up for that.”
When it comes to sleep, she says, small changes can make a big difference, including completing as much homework as they can during the schoolday, making judicious choices about how much time they spend on any given assignment, and monitoring social media use in the evening.
“Technology is very hard on sleep,” said Damour. “I’m not anti-social media, but it makes a tremendous difference for teens to not have a phone and computer in the bedroom at night. Teenagers have texts waking them up.”
Because of the melatonin-suppressing effects of blue light emitted from smartphone screens and other devices, Damour encourages teens to turn off social media notifications well before going to sleep. But it’s not just the blue light. “Girls will often see something on social media that will keep them up at night -- and if you ask them, they’ll usually admit this.”
Growing Up Brave
According to Damour, the most powerful force for good in a teenager’s life is a “caring, working relationship with at least one loving adult.” Within that context, adults can offer teenagers empathy, grounded perspective and a vote of confidence as they work through challenges -- helping them aim for courage, not avoidance.
SPONSORED BY
“Brave is a positive word -- it’s something we aspire to be,” said Damour. “Built into the word is the understanding that the person is scared and yet they are doing something anyway. Scared is here to stay. Anxiety is part of life. It’s not our job to vanquish these feelings. It’s our job to develop the resources we need to march forward anyway.”
Source: https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/52994/how-to-help-teenage-girls-reframe-anxiety-and-strengthen-resilience?fbclid=IwAR1BCfRwDsuzKRGXpr8EFNM39H418JChsS-OjPgXvpNnfEL-b46GNMNzPTo
Cognitive Reframing
Cognitive reframing is extremely effective, if you know how and when to use it.
Used properly – and consistently – it will help you eliminate negative thoughts, challenge limiting beliefs, and become a happier person.
Thoughts shape beliefs, beliefs shape emotions, and emotions shape behaviour. If you want to change something you think, feel, or do, start by using reframing to shape your thoughts.
Let’s get to it…
Cognitive reframing – also known as cognitive restructuring – is a psychological technique that allows you to actively reprogram your brain. In short, if you change your beliefs, you create a real, physical change in your brain.
Your brain is like a muscle with many different parts, and just like a muscle, the parts you use often get bigger and stronger. There was a study done on cab drivers in London, comparing their brain scans with brain scans of average people.
They found the brain area responsible for mapping and memorising routes (the hippocampus) is more developed in cab drivers. And not just more developed, but physically bigger.
When you think negative thoughts, you strengthen negative parts of your mind. A negative thought becomes a negative belief, a negative belief becomes a negative emotion, a negative emotion becomes negative behaviour.
No matter what you want to change – something you do, something you feel, or something you believe, the change begins with your thoughts.
Let’s run through a mental exercise to see exactly how cognitive reframing works in real life. After the example, I’ll break the process down into steps so you’ll be able to apply them right away.
Say you’re telling your friend a story. You notice him looking around, and attribute it to disinterest. Seconds later, he checks his phone. Now you KNOW you’re boring, and feel embarrassed. You question yourself, and for the rest of the day you feel shitty and insecure.
In this situation, the conclusion seems bullet proof. But it isn’t so – the idea that your perception matches reality is called “naive realism”. The truth is, it’s all a matter of perception.
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you perceive what happens to you.”-Click to Tweet</>
1) Learn About Basic Cognitive Errors
You don’t perceive reality accurately. Between what happens, you perceiving it, and you drawing conclusions about it, there’s a lot of room for mistakes. Here’s a list of common mental errors.
2) Develop Mental Awareness
Once you know what to be aware of, it’s time to start practising. A trained mind is like an exclusive club – before anyone gets in, they go through security.
Once you know what to be aware of, it’s time to start practising. A trained mind is like an exclusive club – before anyone gets in, they go through security.
That’s exactly what I’m asking you to do now. If you’re harbouring negative thoughts, it’s because your security is weak. You let in some lame ass people and they’re ruining your club.
3) Challenge Your Conclusions
This is the most important step of cognitive reframing. Once you understand the types of mental errors and develop an awareness of them, it’s time to start challenging your ideas.
This is the most important step of cognitive reframing. Once you understand the types of mental errors and develop an awareness of them, it’s time to start challenging your ideas.
In our example, challenging the ideas means looking at alternatives. Does your friend usually look around while you talk? Is it just you, or does he do it to other people? Is he usually attentive? Could he be expecting an important phone call or text? Could there be something going on he might not want to talk about?
Usually, this process happens at the subconscious level. Your brain would’ve quickly ran through these options, and based on your past experiences, brought the most likely scenario to your conscious awareness.
“My life has been filled with terrible misfortunes, most of which never happened.”-Click to Tweet</>
4) Replace Faulty Beliefs
Faulty beliefs are the fuel of negative patterns. Find and replace the faulty beliefs, and you’ll free yourself from negative patterns in your life. The most extreme attempt at this was in the 1600’s, when some French guy named Descartes ran off into solitude in an attempt to examine and replace every single faulty belief he held.
Faulty beliefs are the fuel of negative patterns. Find and replace the faulty beliefs, and you’ll free yourself from negative patterns in your life. The most extreme attempt at this was in the 1600’s, when some French guy named Descartes ran off into solitude in an attempt to examine and replace every single faulty belief he held.
A much less lonely option is to deal with negative beliefs as they come up. Each time you reframe a negative thought, you prevent one more brick being added to the wall.
If you really want to go next level and dive into your mind, think about WHY those negative beliefs came to mind in the first place.
5) Practical Tips
All of this is useless if you don’t use it. Here are some ways you can actively practice cognitive reframing right away, in your day to day life.
All of this is useless if you don’t use it. Here are some ways you can actively practice cognitive reframing right away, in your day to day life.
The Elastic Band Technique: Wear a rubber band around your wrist, and whenever you have a negative thought, snap it lightly. It’s not to hurt yourself, just a gentle physical sensation to raise awareness.
Watch Your Words: The language you use creates your reality. Do you really HATE your job? Is the food really disgusting, or just not that good? Are you really a useless idiot, or did you just make a mistake?
Look For Positives: On a day to day basis, whether you feel positive or negative is mostly a matter of perception. For every negative thought, there’s a positive counter, and vice versa. The state of your mind will reflect where you place your focus, so be mindful of your choices.
Dirty dishes – an annoying chore, or a sign that you’re eating well? Stuck in traffic – an infuriating combination of bad driving and bureaucratic incompetence, or time to relax and listen to a new podcast?
Have a negative pattern you’re trying to break? Struggling with an insecurity? Feeling anxious because of troubling thoughts? Leave a comment and let me know!
Source: http://ryananswers.com/cognitive-reframing/
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